Monday, January 7, 2008
Its another Monday, weekends are over, unfortunately.
Overburdened with troubles that are not only mine, reports from others that i dont really want to hear, problems that arise unexpectedly. I never knew this year would be so hard. It seemed easy to start, but continuing seems much more difficult.
And maybe its just my mind, but i'm not exactly thinking straight right now. I'm becoming a paranoid freak, and i'm losing my patience over super small things. Its not like i want it to be that way.
Its worrying.I had a horrible nightmare last night.And i woke up in tears, my heart palpitating at a tremendous speed, so much so that my heart hurt. Well, to cut the long story short, i dreamt that my elder brother died. How he died, it was not really clear. He was on this bus, and something happened, and then he died. I couldnt remember when i got up. I just know it was not a car accident. My mind was in a whirl, it still is. Those frightening pictures keep flashing up in my mind, reminding me how short life is. How tempted was i to throw my arms around my brother and hold him tight, never letting him go. But i knew that i would have been thought of as a lunatic who needed to be locked up if i did that.
I strive too much for success, that i'm actually afraid of failure and criticism. I defend myself aggressively just to stand for my point. Maybe its just cause i'm insecure. I dont know. There are nights that never ends, and days that seem to end so quickly. Isn't that rather ironic? I guess i should stop here. And ponder quietly in my pool of thoughts, hoping it would keep me sane.
i'm feeling tired.but nobody knows.
And this is a much much shorter and edited version of my original post, simply because there has been some people who have been prying into my privacy, cause i thought it was too troublesome to make this blog private. Well i'm going to, when i have time, which is probably the holidays? And just to let you know, i dont like people prying into my privacy, reading my blog secretly, and not leaving a tag behind.
Can anyone offer me some security, something i can hold on to, someone i know that will never give up on me, something that i can count on, something that will give me sufficient love and hope. Or is that simply too much to ask for?
OUT
-angel.
